Date: 27th May 2008
Versus: Priory Panthers
Venue: Ruxley Lane
Result: Priory Panthers win by 9 wickets
Report:
Back at the pavilion the OC’s and Priory Panthers sat at the table, on the opposite side were three people, the man in the middle of the three spoke.
“Margaret, can I have the figures for the OC’s please.”
“The OC’s has 75 – 8 off their 20 overs”
“Nick, can I have the figures for the Priory Panthers please.”
“Priory Panthers had 76 for 1 wicket after approximately 12 overs leading to a Priory Panthers win by 9 wickets”
“Well, that’s pretty convincing,” said the man in the middle “Priory Panthers, you won the match, now go to the bar & drink yourself silly.” Sir Alan dismissed them with his hand and the Panthers stood and left, Sir Alan then turned and faced the OC’s with a scowl.
“Ben, you were project manager for the match, what happened?”
“Well we got spanked by a side that played in white, bought a lot of their own kit and had a few southern hemisphere accents, we just turn up & play for the crack.”
“Well at least you are honest, but you didn’t trouble with the bat or ball so you didn’t lead by example, who do you think you are Mike Brearley, are you a people person?”
“Well I have dodgy calves & hamstrings, I’m not as spry as I used to be.” Pleaded Ben.
“That’s enough of your excuses,” said Sir Alan, putting up a hand to stop Ben, “Dan, what did you do?”
“Well I got our only wicket with the bowling and I supported the batsman by not losing my wicket.”
“But it was a 20 Twenty game & you played it like a test match,” Sir Alan interrupted “You have to swing a bit as well as playing the straight bat, this was Weekend Dan when the side needed swinger Dan, but at least you managed to score some runs, take a wicket and not lose yours, you’re off the hook.” Sir Alan turned to Knoxy. “you are off the hook too, highest score of 35, not bad at all.”
“James was out to a good catch for 3, mentioned Ben.”
Sir Alan scowled “Don’t interrupt me, granted he went out to a good catch but he also bowls, but you didn’t bowl him, shall I give you a shovel so you can dig yourself deeper? Lets have a look at the bowling, Manuwar, no wickets but fairly economical, same with Mahesh, well done, a few dot balls there as well,” he then turned to Bolland “Johnny boy, you got spanked, what’s your excuse?”
“It was my first game back from a broken rib I was a bit rusty.” Mentioned JB in his usual laid back Scouse accent, Sir Alan scowled as if the laid back accent insulted him and then glanced at Ben,
“Again that’s the skippers decision, it’s not looking good for you. Let’s look at the rest of the batting, Collett, the amount of dot balls you provided didn’t trouble the scorers, those pens probably have reinforced ball points, Dan Moore, nice figures at the end in adversity, Nathan, a duck we’ll get back to you and Mahesh, you came in at the death when you couldn’t do much.” Sir Alan then turned to Ducklin. “Out LBW for 0, forward defensive you are having a laugh, no major contribution in the field, what do you do?” he asked.
“Write the match report.” He replied
“Well this one had bloody well better be good or you’ll be writing your own career obituary.” Barked Sir Alan. “Nate, back to you, what did you do?”
“Well I fielded on the boundary and had some good throws in.”
“Plus a large overthrow, but it’s all academic if you lose with 8 overs to spare!” Sir Alan turned back to Ben.
“Well the time has come to make my decision, not many of yourselves have covered yourselves in glory and a number have dug a hole for yourselves to be buried in. In fact, the only people to come out of this with good figures are Bisson & Parker and Beeks because they didn’t get their averages spanked! Ben, you were project manager, you were responsible for the team and therefore responsible for the loss.”
Sir alan paused ans sat up straight in his chair, not at all raised by a foot to try & disguise the fact he's a short ar*e.
“After some consideration of the performance on the night and hearing your excuses for this dismal performance, I have only one choice to make, the person that is going to be fired put away the worst performance of the night, so ridiculed that your name may even be slang for a derogatory term meaning failing to perform or meet the standards expected from you.”
Sir Alan turned to the person and gave his trademark point to the person in question.
“Michael Sophocles, you’re fired, now how’s that for a fair dismissal!”
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